Humor Blog

There, I fixed it!

2010-02-11T07:53:00.000-08:00

These are some seriously high quality fixes!

Tests!

2010-01-14T10:14:00.000-08:00

Life Summarized in 4 Bottles.

2010-01-11T09:19:00.000-08:00

The wisdom of coaches.

2010-01-07T15:49:00.000-08:00

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any."
Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.

"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas."
Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

"After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"When you win, nothing hurts."
Joe Namath / Alabama

"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!"
Bear Bryant / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts / Georgia

"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life."
Paul Dietzel / LSU

"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class." Bear Bryant / Alabama

When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. "No, but you can see it from here."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas...

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
Bear Bryant / Alabama

"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line."
Matty Bell / SMU

"Lads,you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms-Truman's and Eisenhower's."
Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor."
Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember ..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
Shug Jordan / Auburn

"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces."
Darrell Royal / Texas

"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"They whipped us like a tied up goat."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we look a look at you and you weren't any good."
Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: "All those who need showers, take them."
John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education."
Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
John McKay / USC

"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are
bad ."
Darrell Royal / University of Texas

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football"
John Heisman

Men, Women and Target

2010-01-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Why boys needs parents

2010-01-05T10:28:00.000-08:00

[Humor] Police Officer Testifing in Court

2007-05-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been
as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony
trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching
the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do
you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
officers with your life you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room
you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court
complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Why men are blessed.

2007-03-15T11:32:00.001-07:00

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.

Let's face it, we've all been frustrated in exams...

2007-03-13T08:27:00.000-07:00

Man of the year

2007-02-22T11:53:00.000-08:00

The Most Frivolous Lawsuits...Stella Awards.

2006-12-25T16:03:00.000-08:00

The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled
hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case
inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful
lawsuits in the United States .

Here are this year's winners:
7th Place : Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas , was awarded $80,000 by a
jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little
toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

6th Place : 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car
when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place : Terrence Dickson of Bristol , Pennsylvania , was leaving a
house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to
get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting
the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on
vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight
days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog
food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him
undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. In my
opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!

4th Place : Jerry Williams of Little Rock , Arkansas , was awarded $14,500
and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door
neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
The award was less than originally sought, because the jury felt the dog
might have been just a little provoked at the time, by Mr. Williams who had
climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a
pellet gun.

3rd Place : A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, PA, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place : Kara Walton of Claymont , Delaware , successfully sued the
owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom
window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred
while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room
to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental
expenses.

1st Place : This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Mere Grazinski of Oklahoma
City , Oklahoma . Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago
motor home. On her first trip home (from an OU football game), having
driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly
left the drivers seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich. Not
surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that
she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new
motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this
suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Joke of the week: Tiger Woods and Ts.

2006-11-19T12:22:00.000-08:00

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a
petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump
attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the
nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the
ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the God's green earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"My, my" muses the Irishman. "BMW thinks of everything! "

Look at my striped shirt.

2006-11-13T14:07:00.000-08:00

This is completely stolen from a website my friend Christie sent me. But, I thought it was worth sharing...

Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I’m coming home with some woman tonight! That’s right! It’s been a long week at the office and it’s time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say “Junior Vice President” on them! They’re glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!

My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!

I figure we’ll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It’s going to be so fucking loud! I’ll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I’m that fucking pumped!

I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I’m crushing one right now!

I’m thinking about buying a boat this year!

I’m gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I’ll scrub it out with his head and some bleach! I mean it!

I’m gonna grind on girls tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts!

I will valet tonight!

I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to “Take it easy on the brakes, Champ”!

I will talk to people I don’t know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders “Babe” and male bartenders “Chief”!

When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is “full of skanks”! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!

I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!

I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for “after hours”! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!

When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!

I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I’ll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!

Joke of the Month...

2006-10-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've ever told a joke on my blog, so here is my first attempt.

Heaven and hell aren't all that different. In both you get a butler, a lover, a chef and a handyman/mechanic. The only difference is that in heaven your butler is British, your chef is French, your mechanic is German and your lover is Italian. In hell, your butler is French, your chef is English, your mechanic is Italian and your lover is German.

How is that for stereotypes ;-)

Men’s Guide to Dating

2006-10-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

After almost two years of being single, I feel I’ve become somewhat of an expert on dating. Hey, practice makes perfect, right? Besides, maybe I can use this as an opportunity to get people’s feedback on my own ideas. I’m curious what other people’s experiences have been.

Moderation and understanding your partner is really the key to all of the rules of dating. For example, one person I might advise to be aggressive and domineering where another person I might advise to be passive and chased. It all depends on the situation. I’ll try to word my rules/suggestions accordingly.

If you want to date someone, you have to put yourself into situations where you meet date-able women. This also gives you an opportunity to try to filter women by an interest or belief system. For example, if you want a cook and home-maker, perhaps taking cooking classes is appropriate. If you love being outside and being active then perhaps a running group or tennis club, or yoga is appropriate. If you want a Jewish woman, then go to young Jewish Shabbat. Either way, you have to do things that expose you to a wide variety of women.
Women are attracted to both the alpha male and the strong mysterious type. They are not attracted to people who appear weak or pathetic. You need to be confident, respected by your peers, in control of the situation, and not afraid of talking to anyone. Nobody is out of your league unless you make them so. Stand up, grow balls, be a man.
Make them feel comfortable. Think of James Dean. He always played it cool. He wasn’t indifferent, but he didn’t make a big deal about things (except things like his cars, it is good to have interests). By not making things have pressure, you allow women to feel comfortable and safe. Nothing should ever be forced, just simple. Another aspect of this same rule is to make sure you don’t set up awkward situations by being needy, clingy, controlling, demanding, or overly emotional. Be a man, not some pansy ass modern day basket case. Christie sighted an example from officespace that she thinks is a perfect representation of this rule: “I’m going to go grab some food next door, if you want to join, that’s cool, if you don’t, that’s cool too.”
Let her know you might be interested, but do it subtly. Women do need to be pursued, but it is more an act of patience then aggression. Women take time to develop lasting attractions to someone. They want to make sure you aren’t some sort of creep, and they will usually grow more attracted to you the longer you are around them, the more eye contact you make with them, and the more you talk to them. But they will rarely make the first move, that’s your job. The most common first move is a kiss, it is easy to read if they are interested, there are no words to exchange, and it is easy to get out of. Look at them, look if their eyes are glassy, or moist, how they look back, it should be obvious. If it isn’t, go back to being patient and trying to win them over. At this point they might also figure that you are interested, but they also know you are not a stocker or crazy person.
Make them feel good about themselves. Most women have dreams and ambitions that they feel somewhat strongly about. Listen to them. Find out what makes the girl tick. Notice what areas they are unconfident in and try to make them feel better about themselves in those areas. Telling someone who knows she is a genius how smart she is might earn you 1 brownie point. Telling her that you think the way she handled the situation with her sister was innovative, very insightful and caring…might earn you 100 brownie points. And the number one requirement for this rule: LISTEN!
Make eye contact, subtle gestures, very “safe” human contact. Look her in the eyes whenever you are talking to her (NOT her chest). It’s probably okay to reach over and touch her in certain circumstances (NOT by grabbing her ass). Eventually you will have to get past the whole touching barrier.
YOU have to be pursued. I’m going to steal another example from a friend. Lets say you have finally made it to the point were the girl calls you up from time to time to invite you out for some social engagement. Good job, you’re almost there. But it isn’t a done deal. She has grown used to being able to call you whenever she wants. Don’t be that easy. Besides, you should be considering other options anyway. The last thing you want to appear is desperate. You want to make sure you are there for her, and you do make her feel safe, but it is a balance. So, every once in awhile it is okay to tell her no…more likely then not, it will make her want you more.
Be interesting. I know, it is a hard one to force. But girls want a guy that has some ambition, passion, interests, a future, and experience. Talk about stuff that you are passionate about, but in moderation (you don't want to bore them to death).
Get them to laugh or smile. Ever girl, even the ones with sticks shoved in the wrong places, can laugh. But they all find different things funny. You have to learn their own sense of humor. Hopefully just being yourself is good enough, but you might have to censor some of the jokes about the nun and the priest.
Let’s say your goals is getting laid rather than getting in a relationship. I’m going to have a special subset of rules just for this one. All of the earlier rules still apply, the main idea: “Make her feel comfortable and safe”. Ideally, your sexual partners should either by your girlfriend OR people with whom you have a very clear understanding of your role in each other’s life. Like I said before, I won’t sleep with someone that is a potential dating partner ‘cause that is when things like jealousy and confusion take place. I will sleep with friends, x-girlfriends, or anyone that falls into the FWB (friends with benefits) category. I might mention that these are often people that were in the top-three category but got ruled out because of different core values or something. These are usually people were we know we couldn’t date each other, but we are both attracted to one another and both single. Once again, I cannot iterate enough the importance of how both people feel. You CANNOT sleep with someone who wants to have a monogamous relationship with you unless you share their feelings. And fuck what the girl says, they will all lie in order to get what they want, you have KNOW that the other person feels the same way about you as you feel about them.

Be confident and secure with your body, sexuality and her.
Be honest about what you want and who you are. Most girls over the age of 26 are just like guys, they want to have sex. And most of them will have sex with people that they wouldn’t necessarily date.
Create a date situation that brings you to one of your two homes. I usually recommend the girl’s house because they are usually more comfortable there.
Be careful with going after sex if you really think you might like the girl. I don’t personally sleep with the girls that I might be genuinely interested in because it might force a relationship between two people that aren’t right for one another or it might lead to jealousy/being hurt.

In summary, I personally believe just about any decent guy can make just about any girl fall in love with him, but it takes a lot of time and thought and patience. There is no rush, take your time, and enjoy your self in the process.

Engineering Dating 101

2006-02-07T22:55:00.000-08:00

My mom and I were talking about miscommunication between my dad and her and I started to generalize the conversation as miscommunication between “engineers” and women. My dad, and I, want a set of rules and absolutes. For example, “I like to have a latte in the morning” or “I don’t like it when you go out with your guy friends on Saturday night because that should be our night together.” However, my mom, like many people, is very spontaneous and most of her needs and wants are based on her current state. So, she will say something like, “I don’t want you to go out with bob because I’ll feel bored.” And my dad will interpret this as a permanent condition or “rule”. The problem essentially breaks down to the fact that people are very dynamic and one must constantly reinterpret body language, moods, and language to understand what are their currently wants or needs.

I wish everyone would just say what they want, when they want it, rather than requiring us guys, especially us engineers, to be mind readers. This seems to be the problem between many people in my circle of friends. Ahh, Poor communication. People seem to have a really hard time communicating how they feel to other people…and this is especially prevalent amongst my engineering friends. Furthermore, most of the engineers I know are having a hard time “hearing” what other people have to say. This seems to be especially true when it comes to romantic feelings, interest, sexuality, or what someone wants.

To make a long story short, these events in addition to a plethora of other isolated events (such as the wingman stories told earlier) led me to believe that there really needs to be some classes in school or post-graduate that cover interpersonal skills and relationships. My particular interest is crossing the line between the extremely analytical/rule oriented people and a very dynamic/inconsistent person. Hence, the idea of the engineering dating class is born. I love challenges, and the idea of bridging the gap between these two types of people seems very intriguing to me.

So, here is the syllabus so far:

1) Women are attracted to confidence, independence, security, humor (but not homer Simpson humor), sociability, ability to think, the way they treat others, and how you make THEM feel.

2) You must have options and be able to walk away before you become addicted. Just because a girl is nice to you or works with you does not mean that she would make a good soul mate for you.

3) Notice her, listen to her, and try to understand what she is saying. I would say there is a 1/5 chance she isn’t interested, in this case, don’t waste your ego on it. Pursuing someone who isn’t that interested in you will be disastrous for your ability to appear confident and independent.

4) Make yourself interesting. And your new SEDI algorithm for learning spam signatures is NOT interesting. You must establish common ground and talk about something that you are BOTH interested in…or better yet, that you are both passionate about.

5) You must be proactive in meeting people. They don’t (usually) bite, most of them are pretty nice, and it might even be good for you.

6) Date for awhile, and multiple people, before making a decision.

7) Don’t a push over, say what you want.

8) Off limits subjects:

a. Magic, your top score in Warcraft, etc…

b. Your personal drama (at least on a first/second date). Don’t make them your personal therapist. They don’t necessarily want to hear about how dramatic your cat’s funeral was.

c. Xs on first couple dates

d. Bette says Sex … but I disagree

e. Porn

f. Negativity (unless done well)

g. Eric’s dating history ;-)

9) Good subjects for conversation cannot follow an exact guideline. It all depends. I know that engineers like rules they can follow with clear guidelines, but it doesn’t work. The most common question I get is “What should I say to her”. I’m sorry, pick up lines are LAME! Don’t think about it, just talk about something in the moment that is open ended. For example, “Hey, did you notice they moved the chocolate pretzels up here.” Or “Hey, you are usually on the first floor, what are you doing up here (said to a girl on the third floor kitchenette).” Or, if you are in a club or bar, try talking about a third party person. For example, “Dude, check out that crazy guy over there”.

So, what do you think of my idea so far?

More Bald Then Blonde

2006-02-07T22:47:00.000-08:00

I never know how to start a story. It seems easier when you are all talking away over a good beer with friends. Perhaps I should be drinking whenever I’m writing a Blog? Anyway, I’ll start this story with the point I’m trying to get across; many old men are gross perverts and I really don’t want to listen to them talking about 20 year old girls as if they are trophies or the definition of success in life.

So I was taking a bus from “The Resort” to “The Village” to visit a friend. It turns out I was the only person on the bus and the bus driver happened to be really talkative. We were stuck at the hotel’s pickup area and he starts the conversation with “Damn, this is a great place to get stuck.” At the moment we were wedged in between a minivan and some pickup truck. I assumed he was saying this because he had been catching up with the bus in front of us and he needed to kill some time. I said something along the lines of “You trying to kill some time?” He said, “Hell no, look at all these moms.” “Moms?” “These are some serious lookers, I’d love to hook up with a mom like that. I mean, seriously, check out that one over there in black and pink.”

Okay, for starters, I think it is gross when an old guy talks about women like this, and secondly, they were married. And later, I learned he was married as well. Gross. He proceeds to ask me if I had hooked up recently. “Um, excuse me?” To make matters even more awkward, I was switching hotels to go visit a female friend. After I told him this he started lecturing me on “you better treat her with respect.” Why is it always the pigs that talk about respect?

So, to demonstrate how respectable he was he started telling me that he was married. His first line was “I got married this May to a girl 20 years younger than me; she is younger than my son.” I don’t know about you, but if I was married to someone, this IS NOT the way I would want to be described.

Then he started telling me about how women in the United States are totally superficial. He said that they wanted to see a pay check before they went on a date. I said “well, if you are going after girls 20 years younger than you, I can see how you would only attract people who were interested in your money.” He didn’t understand my comment, and I didn’t really feel like explaining it. He said they all wanted to be pampered and taken care of. I believe that many women are no different then men, they want to be successful, feel that they have purpose, be independent, self-sufficient and useful. I believe his view is old fashion, but considered that it probably has some truth. Then he started saying women didn’t see him for the great person he really was. Um, from my two minutes with him, I can tell you, women of the world, stay away.

This brings me to the bigger issue. Why are there so many perverse old men and how do I avoid becoming one? I don’t think this should be so hard…but this is seriously the fifth or sixth time this week I have watched some 60 year old guy hit on some 20-something year old girl. How can they have anything in common? “So, how did your colonoscopy go?” I personally like 30 something year old girls, the sex is generally better and there are a lot more interesting things to talk about. But, oh well, enough of my own opinions. To each there own.

Opinions: You know what is really sexy, women who get sloppy-drunk at parties...

2005-11-12T09:48:00.000-08:00

In case you can't tell, the title is sarcastic. I went to a party last night and two of the guests were ridiculously drunk. We've all seen it before. You know, the girls who become extremely sentimental ("I love you forever man") and then start holding on to everyone so they don't fall over. These are the same girls who all the sudden think they are being really sexy when they come up and start humping your leg... And then there is the aftermath. Watching them puke for hours on end over the floor, themselves, and whatever stands in their way. I thought I was finally at the mythical "mature" point in my life where people didn't still try to kill themselves through alcohol poisoning.

I feel really bad for them at first. In one case, the girl started throwing up after just having three drinks (life is cruel). I know how much it sucks to throw up, I can't say I've never been "that" person...but it has been about 6 years since I've been really drunk...and it only took throwing up once to learn to never drink to excess again.

You know what is even better? The drunk phone calls and text messages people make. I can't tell you how many sappy invitations, love letters and sentimental text messages I get at 3:00 am. Thanks, I appreciate the gestures. But, for the love of God, could you please NOT CALL at 3:00 in the morning unless you are either Jamie Presley and looking for a booty call, or seriously in trouble. Yea...thanks...